How to Stop Seeking Validation from Other People
- Georgia Clare
- 4 days ago
- 8 min read
Why we look outside ourselves for reassurance, and how to start trusting our own judgement again.
The Habit We Don’t Realise We Have
Have you ever noticed how quickly we reach for someone else’s opinion?
It might be something small.
Whether to take a new job.
Whether to end a relationship.
Whether to move house.
Whether we’re overreacting.
Whether we’re making the right decision.
Sometimes we ask one person. Sometimes we ask five. We collect opinions as though somewhere, hidden among them, is the answer we’ve been looking for.
I’ve done it myself, many times.
I remember sitting with a decision that, deep down, I already knew the answer to. Instead of listening to that quiet inner voice, I started calling people I trusted. One conversation became another. Every person offered a slightly different perspective. By the end of the day, I wasn’t any clearer. In fact, I was more confused than when I’d started.
What struck me afterwards wasn’t that I’d asked for advice. Advice can be incredibly valuable. It was that I’d trusted everyone else’s judgement more than my own.
That realisation stayed with me.
Why was I so willing to believe that someone else knew what was right for my life better than I did?
I don’t think it was because I lacked intelligence or common sense. It was because I’d become so accustomed to looking outside myself for reassurance that I’d forgotten I had an inner compass of my own.
I don’t think I’m unusual.
Many of us grow up learning to seek approval before we trust ourselves.
We learn to look for the nod of encouragement.
The reassurance that we’re doing the right thing.
The permission to make a choice.
Over time, it becomes such a familiar habit that we stop noticing we’re doing it.
We ask other people what they think before we’ve even stopped to ask ourselves.
Of course, there are times when seeking advice is wise. None of us has all the answers, and other people can often see things we’ve missed.
But there’s a difference between valuing someone’s perspective and handing over responsibility for your own life.
One invites wisdom.
The other slowly erodes self-trust.
The irony is that most of the decisions that shape our lives don’t have a universally “right” answer.
No one else can tell you whether a relationship has run its course.
Whether a dream is worth pursuing.
Whether a move feels right.
Whether forgiving someone is the next step.
People can offer insight, but they can’t feel what you feel or live with the consequences of the choice you make.
Only you can do that.
Perhaps that’s why learning to trust ourselves again feels so unfamiliar.
Not because we’ve lost the ability.
Because we’ve spent so many years forgetting to use it.
When You Stop Trusting Yourself
We’re not born doubting ourselves.
Watch a young child deciding which game to play, what to draw or what question to ask. They rarely stop to wonder whether they’re “allowed” to like something or whether someone else would approve. They simply follow their curiosity.
Somewhere along the way, we lose that certainty.
We begin looking for clues about who we should be and what we should do. Parents, teachers, partners, friends, workplaces, religions and society all shape us in different ways. That’s a normal part of growing up.
The difficulty comes when we gradually stop checking in with ourselves altogether.
Instead of asking, What feels right to me? we begin asking, What will make other people happy?
Instead of wondering, What do I believe? we ask, What am I supposed to believe?
Instead of trusting our instincts, we wait for someone else to tell us whether we’re making the right decision.
For some people, this habit is subtle.
For others, it’s deeply ingrained.
If you’ve grown up in a family where keeping the peace mattered more than expressing yourself, you may have learned to ignore your own needs.
If you’ve been in a controlling relationship, you may have become accustomed to questioning every decision before making it.
If you’ve left a high-control religion or community, you may have spent years being told that your own judgement couldn’t be trusted without guidance from someone else.
Different experiences.
The same outcome.
A quiet belief that someone else probably knows better.
The trouble is, the longer we live this way, the quieter our own voice becomes.
Not because it disappears.
Because we stop listening to it.
One of the greatest misunderstandings about self-trust is that people think it means never asking for advice.
It doesn’t.
There is wisdom in seeking the perspective of people who know us well, especially when we’re facing something difficult.
The difference is where the final decision is made.
Advice should inform us.
It shouldn’t replace us.
I’ve noticed something in my own life.
When I ask for reassurance before I’ve taken the time to understand what I really think, every new opinion pulls me in a different direction.
But when I’ve already listened to myself first, other people’s thoughts become exactly what they should be, helpful perspectives, not instructions.
That shift has changed far more than my decision-making.
It’s changed my relationship with myself.
Because every time we ignore our own inner knowing, we quietly tell ourselves that our voice doesn’t matter.
And every time we pause long enough to hear it, even if we don’t have all the answers, we begin rebuilding something that may have been missing for years.
Trust.
Not trust that we’ll always get it right.
But trust that whatever happens, we can meet life as ourselves, instead of constantly searching for someone else to tell us who we should be.
Becoming Someone You Can Trust
Learning to trust yourself again isn’t something that happens overnight.
In many ways, it’s like rebuilding any relationship that has been neglected for years.
Trust isn’t created through grand promises.
It’s built through consistency.
For a long time, I thought confidence came first.
I imagined that one day I’d wake up feeling certain about every decision I made, and from that certainty would come trust.
I’ve since realised I had it the wrong way round.
Trust comes first.
Confidence follows.
The people who appear most confident aren’t the ones who always know they’re making the right decision. They’re the people who trust themselves enough to make a decision, learn from it if necessary, and keep moving forwards.
That was a liberating thought for me.
It meant I didn’t have to wait until I felt certain.
I simply had to begin listening.
These days, before I ask someone else what they think, I try to ask myself first.
What do I already know?
What feels true for me?
If nobody else’s opinion existed, what would I choose?
Sometimes the answer comes immediately.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
But I’ve learned that sitting quietly with those questions usually tells me more than collecting another five opinions ever could.
I’ve also become more comfortable with making mistakes.
That may sound like an odd thing to say, but I think it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
When we believe every decision has to be perfect, we become afraid to make any decision at all.
We wait.
We hesitate.
We ask for reassurance.
We hand our choices to other people because we’re frightened of getting them wrong.
But life has taught me that even the decisions I wish I’d made differently weren’t wasted.
They taught me something.
They shaped me.
They helped me understand myself more clearly.
Now I can see that self-trust doesn’t come from always choosing the right path.
It comes from discovering that you can cope, adapt and grow, even when the path twists unexpectedly.
Perhaps that’s why trusting ourselves feels so frightening.
It’s not really about making better decisions.
It’s about accepting that we’re capable of living with the decisions we make.
That changes everything.
Because instead of asking,
“What if I get this wrong?”
we begin asking,
“What if I can handle whatever happens next?”
There’s a quiet confidence in that question.
Not because it guarantees life will go according to plan.
But because it reminds us that we are no longer looking for certainty before we begin living.
We’re learning to trust the person who will be walking the path.
Ourselves.
When I look back over the biggest decisions of my life, I don’t remember the advice people gave me nearly as much as I remember the moments I finally stopped ignoring that quiet voice within.
It wasn’t loud.
It wasn’t dramatic.
It simply kept whispering,
“You already know.”
For years, I was afraid to believe it.
Now, I think learning to hear that voice again has been one of the most important parts of rebuilding my life.
Because the person I’ve been searching for permission from all along…was me.
A Gentle Reflection
The next time you’re faced with a decision, however small, pause for a moment before asking someone else what they think.
Notice what happens.
Is your first instinct to seek reassurance?
To wonder what someone else would do?
Or do you find yourself quietly checking in with your own thoughts first?
There’s no right or wrong answer. These habits are often formed over many years, and recognising them is the beginning of changing them.
You might like to spend a few minutes journalling on one or more of these questions:
When do I most often look to other people for reassurance or approval?
Whose opinion do I trust more than my own, and why?
Can I remember a time when my instincts were right, even if I ignored them?
What would it look like to trust myself just a little more this week?
If I believed my own voice mattered as much as everyone else’s, what decision might I make differently?
Sometimes self-trust doesn’t begin with having all the answers.
Sometimes it begins with asking ourselves the questions we’ve spent so long asking everyone else.
Continue Exploring
Your Literary Prescription
When life doesn’t unfold the way we imagined, books can become gentle companions. They don’t tell us to “move on” or pretend everything is fine. Instead, they remind us that many people have stood where we’re standing now, and found their way forward, one page at a time.
For this article, I recommend exploring these Literary Prescriptions on Book Quote Therapy:
Trust Yourself Again – Books, poems and quotations to help you reconnect with your own inner wisdom.
Self-Worth – Gentle reminders that your value isn’t determined by other people’s opinions.
Courage – Words for those moments when you’re learning to choose your own path, even when it feels uncertain.
If you’re visiting Book Quote Therapy for the first time, you’ll also find the free Literary First Aid Kit. A free collection of 50 quotes, poems and book recommendations designed to offer comfort, encouragement and fresh perspective whenever life feels uncertain.
Sometimes the words we need don’t give us all the answers.
They simply help us ask better questions.
Also new: If you enjoy the blend of literature, reflection and practical ideas in these articles, you may also like my newly rewritten Quote Therapy. Completely revised and expanded from the original 2024 edition, it combines inspiring quotations with original stories and reflections that explore how the right words can quietly change the way we live.
Explore my Meditation Library
If you're learning to trust yourself and create boundaries, you'll find guided meditations to help you do just that - one quiet practice at a time.
You may also enjoy this short podcast talk
If you'd like to create your own daily rituals, the Inner Peace Toolkit brings together meditations, journalling, affirmation art and reflective resources designed to help you build a calmer relationship with yourself and your future.
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Few relationships deserve more care, more patience or more trust than that one.
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